I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
