Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
