Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
zippers are such a cool invention
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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