he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I forgot wine drunk hurts
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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