my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
