I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
