I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
