Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
