The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
