I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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