Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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