What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
