To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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