At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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