I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
