I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
