OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
