I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
try to milk me bitch
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