She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I want her autograph on my taint
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
