you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
