So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
