Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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