I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
