She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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