it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
