and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
