I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
