It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
