I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
