11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
