Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
