im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
