Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
