Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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