my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
