She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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