I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
