So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
