K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
