You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
My penis needs a shock collar
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
