Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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