I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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