please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
