his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
