I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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