im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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