You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Two words: nipple clamps
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