Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
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