Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
