i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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