It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
