We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
